I don't know why I am in this house even. I feel so lost even outside of it. I feel lost even with my friends. I feel lost even when I am surrounded by 101 people. I'll always look forward to sleep in hope that everything will be better when I wake up the next day. Even my dreams are a mixture of troubles.

The past week has been quite a blur. Last Tuesday, my boyfriend's childhood nanny and guardian passed away without notice. I went over to his place, I did my best but even I can't heal his broken heart. I guess time will tell but I'm at grief at his loss. I did make him laugh from time to time but I can always see the sadness in his eyes and I can feel his heavy heart. I have met Mak Maria, she was a wonderful lady and she deserves all of my blessings. I hope my prayers reach her. May Allah always be with my boyfriend as much He has always been with us through out tough times.

The day after, a Wednesday, I went to meet my best friend, which seems like ages since I last saw her, to get some books. I was a moment too late so when I reached the bench she was on, I saw her crying. I don't know how to react, honestly but I just wanted to hug her and keep quiet. Sometimes I wish I had enough strength to feel the same about myself.

I have always known to have a great shoulder for my friends to cry on. I was told to be a great listener thanks to my open mind. I have always learnt to help give more than I should ever take because I have nothing to lose. But I have never felt so helpless when it came to this. I have never seen the people I love the most at wit's end and it hurts me a lot. I have never let anyone this close to my heart and emotionally grip me this bad. I feel scared.

My gorgeous lil' darlin' and I swear I am not choking her. She looks scared half the time I carry her. Still can't believe that she's that tiny from another person's view. I bet she's thinking, "Ho crap! Ho why am I so high! Meow! Put me down put me- Meow? Is that me?"

It's almost 6PM and I have not showered. I know it's OK for some people but the first thing I do when I wake up is to shower, and now I've become a regular teenage sloth. I blame the weather. It's where sleeping in till the beginning of dusk occurs.

Anyway, I slept over at my boy's place on Wednesday & Thursday night. We had a LOTR marathon but fell asleep by the end of The Two Towers so Return of The King was postponed. The best thing about sleeping with my bubby is that it's one of the most comforting feeling you'd never get with anyone else. I may have slept with a couple of my friends, my best friend even but the feeling of being hugged to sleep by the one who loves you is so magical.

Woke up on Friday morning, he had breakfast and we trained to my place. He was showered but I wasn't, just in case we might get caught. We helped my sister with the barbecue food and carried some down to the van. Left at 3 to Costa Sands Pasir Ris.

I only started showering at 8 and he made fun of me. The guests which are my sister's friends started coming around 8-9 and there was a surprise birthday cake by her best friend. All in all, it was good clean fun. I get to eat tons of prawn otah-otah, and marshmallow. Speaking of which, I left them at the barbecue. My mother sent me and bubby back home but I fell asleep en route to his house so I didn't get to say goodbye. I ate so much barbecue food it felt like I breathed dragon fire every single time I burped that night. I was so tired that I knocked out the moment I reached my bed.

Today is the last day I get to see Praveen since he is going off to India tomorrow. He's missing my birthday that bastard. I am hoping for a make-up birthday session by him. He'll be back by the 22nd I think? I never listen to people. I do, maybe, but I am terrible at remembering. Yes, that is accurate. I should shower now, do some art and then head out to teh at Bhai.

x

I feel so uninspired.

The Trees and The Wild Malaysia // Singapore Tour Part 4

From Dimas Wisnuwardono on Vimeo.

I stole 3 pots of roses from Sunday's wedding and they're about to wilt so I just peel the petals off one by one. I am a sucker for roses and an old-fashioned romantic but drilled in are my feminist morals. Even in this modern age and day, I think that each and every one of us are traditional in one way or two.

Tomorrow's my older sister's birthday and the book that I was supposed to get for her today, just went out of stock. Sucks that I have to delay. Plus I am starting by hardcore mugging and I am so fucked because I woke up late and this throws me off schedule. I have been so shagged lately that I have not heard the alarm go off. I am an extremely light sleeper so that shows how exhausted I have been.

Friday is my sister's chalet-cum-barbecue and I believe I have the weekend all to myself to rejuvenate and screw myself over again with studying. Sounds like a promising week.

Who is finally turning 18 in exactly 15 days time?

I figured while I was on the way to C's house I'd grab myself a waffle. My favourite waffle, which I only buy from Simei. I am quite a waffle-taster myself and have explored so I know which is the best. But, I have no money on me. I then remembered my piggy bank filled with not so many coins and gave it a try. Who knew, right? I found coins that sums up to $1.41 and the waffle costs $1.30 so hurrah for me!

So I dropped the picnic basket I was supposed to deliver at C's place. I sat at a nearby park and took a smoke while trying hard to control my tears. God, I've yet to turn 18 and yet it's like I've seen more than a 50 year old would. I wasn't going to let any negativity get to me, I told myself. I was looking forward to my waffle.

I reached the bakery shop only to be let down when the owner told me there were no more batter left to make waffles. Seriously? I was hurt, I guess. Angry, hungry and tired. I only have enough money for the one thing I could buy and it wasn't there. I felt like crying over that? What was wrong with me? So I took the train home and thought maybe I did have enough to buy some bubble tea. I anticipated some sweet-tasting drink to quench my thirst only to be disappointed again when I re-count my coins. I can't even afford a $1.50 drink. I felt like dying.

I'm sick of doing this everyday, hoping my mother would give me allowance. I'm sick of having to ask for money just so I can top-up my card. But $10 is not even enough for a whole week's travel and I get scolded every time I ask for money. I can't ask my father because I don't feel like I deserve any of his money. I know that he is the one who has done us wrong but I don't have the heart to ask.

Work? You'd want me to work? I don't have time to study nor the time for my friends if I work. Minimise meetings with my friends? Sure I can do that but I can't work. Or at least I don't want to. I am too scared with the environment. Majority of the jobs that require part-time are customer service related and I am a wreck with confrontations with strangers. I am a clumsy fucktard and I am done hearing from people that I can change myself. That I can not be such a klutz. Seriously? Have you gone through a whole day without actually breaking something? You have? Well, you have no idea how hard it is to try not to be clumsy. That's because you were never an accident-prone. It only makes matters worse.

Everyday I feel like breaking down. Here I have people who get to buy almost whatever they want. Sure they're probably working but they get allowance for themselves. I worked, most of my money goes to transport and food. None left for luxury. These people they have money, they have a family, they have friends, they have school. They complain about their family when they know damn well it's still well-functioning, they're just finding a problem. They have friends but they aren't thankful. They complain about how none of their friends are there for them when they're the one incessantly complaining about the littlest things? And yet, their friends who "aren't there for them" goes out with them almost every weekend?

I have troubles. I am also a troublemaker even when I try not to be. I am chaotic with things. I can't get anything right. I ruin everything I am in charge of. I am ruined myself. What do I do now? I can't be around my friends without feeling like suicide most of the time. They can afford dinner. They can have light snacks or buy some drinks. They can watch movies. They can attend music gigs. Here I am struggling to buy something with $1.41 and I try not to feel so torn up because of this. I pretend and say, "I'm not hungry" or "I'm broke". I lie and say I've already eaten when I am actually hungry, so damn hungry. I'm not poor. I have internet and a computer, yes. I have a phone and a line, yes. But I'm not... a normal teenager either.

About to get ready. Just simple make-up and probably shorts and slippers. That's horrible. Shorts and slippers. I might as well rip holes in my clothing and beg for money by the roadside. No offence to homeless people. I have been feeling a little worn down lately. I feel tired and uninspired. As if fate would have it, I came across a certain quote on Tumblr about how inspiration is not found if you wait for it but if you just live your life, it will find you. Just go do your work, no complains or procrastination whatsoever. Inspiration will then come. So motivated I am by the quote that I decide to stop this lazing around and buck the fuck up.

Will head out to meet my girl and Yasin, who'll be serving NS in about 6 days time. June will be a very busy and fulfilling month for me. I can't wait.