So I dropped the picnic basket I was supposed to deliver at C's place. I sat at a nearby park and took a smoke while trying hard to control my tears. God, I've yet to turn 18 and yet it's like I've seen more than a 50 year old would. I wasn't going to let any negativity get to me, I told myself. I was looking forward to my waffle.
I reached the bakery shop only to be let down when the owner told me there were no more batter left to make waffles. Seriously? I was hurt, I guess. Angry, hungry and tired. I only have enough money for the one thing I could buy and it wasn't there. I felt like crying over that? What was wrong with me? So I took the train home and thought maybe I did have enough to buy some bubble tea. I anticipated some sweet-tasting drink to quench my thirst only to be disappointed again when I re-count my coins. I can't even afford a $1.50 drink. I felt like dying.
I'm sick of doing this everyday, hoping my mother would give me allowance. I'm sick of having to ask for money just so I can top-up my card. But $10 is not even enough for a whole week's travel and I get scolded every time I ask for money. I can't ask my father because I don't feel like I deserve any of his money. I know that he is the one who has done us wrong but I don't have the heart to ask.
Work? You'd want me to work? I don't have time to study nor the time for my friends if I work. Minimise meetings with my friends? Sure I can do that but I can't work. Or at least I don't want to. I am too scared with the environment. Majority of the jobs that require part-time are customer service related and I am a wreck with confrontations with strangers. I am a clumsy fucktard and I am done hearing from people that I can change myself. That I can not be such a klutz. Seriously? Have you gone through a whole day without actually breaking something? You have? Well, you have no idea how hard it is to try not to be clumsy. That's because you were never an accident-prone. It only makes matters worse.
Everyday I feel like breaking down. Here I have people who get to buy almost whatever they want. Sure they're probably working but they get allowance for themselves. I worked, most of my money goes to transport and food. None left for luxury. These people they have money, they have a family, they have friends, they have school. They complain about their family when they know damn well it's still well-functioning, they're just finding a problem. They have friends but they aren't thankful. They complain about how none of their friends are there for them when they're the one incessantly complaining about the littlest things? And yet, their friends who "aren't there for them" goes out with them almost every weekend?
I have troubles. I am also a troublemaker even when I try not to be. I am chaotic with things. I can't get anything right. I ruin everything I am in charge of. I am ruined myself. What do I do now? I can't be around my friends without feeling like suicide most of the time. They can afford dinner. They can have light snacks or buy some drinks. They can watch movies. They can attend music gigs. Here I am struggling to buy something with $1.41 and I try not to feel so torn up because of this. I pretend and say, "I'm not hungry" or "I'm broke". I lie and say I've already eaten when I am actually hungry, so damn hungry. I'm not poor. I have internet and a computer, yes. I have a phone and a line, yes. But I'm not... a normal teenager either.
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