I hope you know what you are doing to yourself.

I tried to tell myself that the reason I was crying had nothing to do with the fact that even when I wasn't trying, all I did was let people down.

When you look at me, what do you see? What do you feel? What do you hear your heart saying about me? Does your senses tingle, like all of a sudden you can feel the weight of the wind that crashes against your skin? Or walking suddenly felt easier to do when you realized it later than you do?

Am I the question or the answer? Or am I after all only a catalyst, a subdivided catastrophe, a hidden tragedy that leads to the answer or a blessing in disguise? A divine call or curse, whichever the case, I am not one of it, I am neither the question nor the answer.

When I die, I believe my soul will fly with the wind, though freely and supposedly happily, what if the wind is the only thing that keeps my soul going? What if the wind does not come, if and when the sea breeze does not come in, I am just standing there, a lot like floating rather... And that is all my existence will succumb to? My body has formed within the roots of the trees that surround me, my bones underneath the soil that keeps the tree firm from falling. That is all I will ever be, even before life and after. I am never that important. Not an apple to anybody's eyes but I have loved and I will be loved. At least I know I am not alone. But even if so, these people who can relate to me in the same way that I feel, they do not know nor do we meet. I am alone after all.

What do I do now that I am without you?

September

No, that is not my hair now. That is me with a wig on. Cheeky right? I am sucha an idiot. Can't decide between tumblr or blog nowadays so here I am. Neglecting all sorts of social network other than this. Anyway, I no longer have a phone now. Which, is pretty good actually. No more social contact with the outside world. Except that now my baby and I have to struggle with each other because we can't hear each others' voices especially when we are a million miles apart. I've got a plan though. Although that plan might be a big problem. Have to wait weeks for that to happen.

So it's September today. New month, starting afresh, I am no longer going to cuss - believe it or not. Miracles do happen okay! I am going to put this proverb in my life everyday wherever I may be: There is sunshine after every rainfall. Odd, isn't it? We seem to count every single drop of rain and yet when the Sun is shining out we never seem to care how long it would last. We humans, after all, are that ungrateful. Time and time again we need to be reminded. Here's to a lovely September ahead.

P.S. I have the ugliest set of Hari Raya clothes in a decade.
P.S.S. I'm not in the mood to celebrate. Everyone I know agrees. But right now everyone I know turns into the people I knew.